I don’t think I can do this anymore. I feel so alone. I don’t know where my child is or if they are even still alive. I have called the hospitals, the police, the morgue…they aren’t there yet thank God. But, if God is so good why won’t He bring my child home?? Ohhh I think I am loosing my mind. If I go to one more meeting and have to hear someone say, I will be praying for you or I know how you feel, or God is in charge, I may just punch someone. How could anyone possibly know how I feel?????
We’re getting a divorce you know. My partner can’t handle the chaos….I guess they think I can. I miss too much work these days, I have to take the other kids to school and who can afford a sitter? I don’t know what I will do. I will have to move for sure….but if I move and my child tries to come home, the house will be empty. Oh please….someone help me! Tell me what to do!
Retirement was supposed to be different than this. We had plans to travel and see the world. Now we have used almost all of our savings and we are watching the grandchildren….well they live here now. We are their guardians according to the judge. We don’t have any insurance for them and I worry so much. The lawyers always want their money right now but where was the justice system when I was begging them for help when my now 44 year child was 12???? We really don’t talk about our child much. The grandbabies ask questions but I just tell them that mommy/daddy is sick. Well it’s true I guess and not really a lie. We don’t go to those meetings the social worker told us about. What on earth would they know about any of this mess?
When I think of the peace we felt when our child has been in jail it was sure better than this not knowing where they are or if they are. When the phone rings it scares us. We never let the grand babies answer, just in case it’s the police or…the morgue. We don’t see our old friends anymore. We are busy being parents again and maybe, just maybe we will get it right this time. We know it’s our fault our child is like they are. We must have done things wrong. This time though, with the grand-babies….we will raise them right.
Okay look, all I need is $20 and I promise I’ll pay you back Friday. Really, I will. Mom/dad/whomever….I promise to stop. I don’t need rehab, I can do it myself. I am so tired of you preachin’ at me. I know what I’m doing. Nobody gets addicted to pot…it’s legal in some states. I’m 12 I know what I’m doing. Mom/dad/whomever, they have me in jail on some bogus charge. I swear I didn’t do it, just please bail me out. Damn it, I’m 42, I know what I can do….it’s a free country.
I will make you steal. I will help you lie so easily it’s like taking candy from a baby. I will take away every friend you ever thought you had. I will control every single ugly minute of your life. You will be so sick without me you will sell yourself to get me. I own your body, your mind, your soul….you chase me like the dragon that I am…remember the first time?…maybe, just maybe you will feel like that one more time…chase me, follow me….use me again…I will let you sleep on the grass in the rain, I will let you crave me in a rat infested, vacant shell of a house. You’re my shell now. See, just like you thought. You are nobody. You don’t matter. Oh yeah, sure you call them and they say they love you….it’s a lie…I am your truth. What can ever be better than me? You can count on me every time you shove me up your veins or nose or whatever space you find. I love you see. I make all the bad go away. I make you numb. I am the only answer that makes sense……..aren’t I??
Dad/mom/whomever…the police called while you were at the store and they say that xxxxxxx is in the hospital. You have to hurry cuz’ they said they were really sick. Please hurry mom/dad/whomever I don’t want them to die.
They say they love me, but I don’t know what that feels like anymore. I can’t eat or sleep and they want to send me someplace where I won’t use. They have to be crazy. chase me I really am kind of tired of this. I’m sick and dirty and the rain is such a drag. follow me I don’t even remember what it’s like to be straight…how crazy is that?? I do miss the family but I have to stop this first before they will let me come back. i own you