Tag Archive | grandchildren

If You Really Knew Me…….


You would know I am more than pink hair, tattoos, piercings and the like.  If you really knew me you would not assume anything based on my appearance.  If you really knew me, you would know that I am not brave and strong but I struggle to appear that way.  I am fearful more times than not.  If you really knew me you would know that I am not a “party” creature or fond of groups of people.  I like being alone, but not lonely.  If you really knew me you would know that I miss my dad so very much it hurts; you would know that my mom, my brother and one of my children do not even like me.  This makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do to change that.  If you really knew me you would know that I have less than 5 friends…people who truly know me inside and out.  If you really knew me you would know that life has been difficult for me.  You would know I was molested for several years and blamed myself, I was abused and blamed myself, and I was raped twice and blame myself.  If you really knew me you would know that I grew up hearing….”you aren’t good enough”, “get out of the way”, “why did you live”, “why can’t you be like so and so “, “you ruined my life.”  If you really knew me, you would know that I wear my feelings on the outside and get hurt pretty often.  If you really knew me, you would know that if I love someone, I love them with all that I have and would do anything to help them.  You would know that the word LOVE is important to me and I see it as a verb.  If you really knew me you would know that I have cancer and AIDS but I don’t let them define me.  They are just another stumbling block that I keep flipping over to make a stepping stone going forward.  If you really knew me you would know that I am not impressed by money, cars, clothing, name droppers, fancy anything.  If you really knew me you would know that I envy families that are close knit and care about each other.  That is probably what I have always missed in my life the most.  If you really knew me you would know that the pink hair happened because of the cancer and my need to make a statement about finding a cure.  The tattoos and piercing and my clothing are all meant to keep people at a distance so that they won’t see how shy I really am.  If you really knew me you would know that I have always wanted to make a difference, for the better, in someone’s life.  You would know that if something is wrong, I will speak up and try to fix it or find someone who will.  If you really knew me you would know that I believe drug dealers and child molesters are the same as someone who kills just because they can.  I have no use for them and they are ruining lives every day all around the world.  If you really knew me you would know I love to read, write, listen to music, play in the snow, go fishing and camping, make things, bake, sew, dream, and take naps.  If you really knew me you would know that my husband is a truly wonderful man and I wish I had met him a long time ago.  If you really knew me  you would know that I do matter, I am worthy, I am intelligent, I am somewhat pretty, and I am finally content.  If you really knew me you would know I love words, board games, popcorn, flowers, my dog Pink, my grandchildren I have never met and the grandson I don’t see very often.  If you really knew me you would know I have begun saying to a few people….”you are NOT allowed to be mean to me anymore.”  If you really knew me you would know I lose games on purpose so people won’t know I am smart.  I ask questions I already know the answer to.  You would know that I “dumb down” 95% of the time so people won’t be intimidated by me.  If you really knew me you would know that it takes every ounce of courage I have to speak to groups of “at risk” kids or adults about drugs, alcohol, abuse, and leading a happy life and knowing they matter.  If you really knew me you would know I do that with the hope that it will help just one person.  If you really knew me you would know I go through my day in prayer for others.  I you really knew me you would know that I like things simple, free of chaos and drama, peace filled, hope filled, and joy filled.  If you really knew me you would know I would be very happy living in the country, in a small cozy house with a fireplace, with a huge garden, a few chickens and goats, maybe even a cow.  I would not mind not having a computer, a phone, and all this crazy electronic jazz.  If you really knew me…………

Sarah-Pink Welch © 2012

Facebook:  Sarah-Pink’s Promise

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Lesson #26 Addiction……..the parent


I don’t think I can do this anymore.  I feel so alone.  I don’t know where my child is or if they are even still alive.  I have called the hospitals, the police, the morgue…they aren’t there yet thank God.  But, if God is so good why won’t He bring my child home??  Ohhh I think I am loosing my mind.  If I go to one more meeting and have to hear someone say, I will be praying for you or I know how you feel, or God is in charge, I may just punch someone.  How could anyone possibly know how I feel?????

We’re getting a divorce you know.  My partner can’t handle the chaos….I guess they think I can.  I miss too much work these days, I have to take the other kids to school and who can afford a sitter?  I don’t know what I will do.  I will have to move for sure….but if I move and my child tries to come home, the house will be empty.  Oh please….someone help me!  Tell me what to do!

Retirement was supposed to be different than this.  We had plans to travel and see the world.  Now we have used almost all of our savings and we are watching the grandchildren….well they live here now.  We are their guardians according to the judge.  We don’t have any insurance for them and I worry so much.  The lawyers always want their money right now but where was the justice system when I was begging them for help when my now 44 year child was 12????  We really don’t talk about our child much.  The grandbabies ask questions but I just tell them that mommy/daddy is sick.  Well it’s true I guess and not really a lie.  We don’t go to those meetings the social worker told us about.  What on earth would they know about any of this mess?

When I think of the peace we felt when our child has been in jail it was sure better than this not knowing where they are or if they are.  When the phone rings it scares us.  We never let the grand babies answer, just in case it’s the police or…the morgue.  We don’t see our old friends anymore.  We are busy being parents again and maybe, just maybe we will get it right this time.  We know it’s our fault our child is like they are.  We must have done things wrong.  This time though, with the grand-babies….we will raise them right.

Sarah© 2012

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