Lesson #26 Addiction……..the parent


I don’t think I can do this anymore.  I feel so alone.  I don’t know where my child is or if they are even still alive.  I have called the hospitals, the police, the morgue…they aren’t there yet thank God.  But, if God is so good why won’t He bring my child home??  Ohhh I think I am loosing my mind.  If I go to one more meeting and have to hear someone say, I will be praying for you or I know how you feel, or God is in charge, I may just punch someone.  How could anyone possibly know how I feel?????

We’re getting a divorce you know.  My partner can’t handle the chaos….I guess they think I can.  I miss too much work these days, I have to take the other kids to school and who can afford a sitter?  I don’t know what I will do.  I will have to move for sure….but if I move and my child tries to come home, the house will be empty.  Oh please….someone help me!  Tell me what to do!

Retirement was supposed to be different than this.  We had plans to travel and see the world.  Now we have used almost all of our savings and we are watching the grandchildren….well they live here now.  We are their guardians according to the judge.  We don’t have any insurance for them and I worry so much.  The lawyers always want their money right now but where was the justice system when I was begging them for help when my now 44 year child was 12????  We really don’t talk about our child much.  The grandbabies ask questions but I just tell them that mommy/daddy is sick.  Well it’s true I guess and not really a lie.  We don’t go to those meetings the social worker told us about.  What on earth would they know about any of this mess?

When I think of the peace we felt when our child has been in jail it was sure better than this not knowing where they are or if they are.  When the phone rings it scares us.  We never let the grand babies answer, just in case it’s the police or…the morgue.  We don’t see our old friends anymore.  We are busy being parents again and maybe, just maybe we will get it right this time.  We know it’s our fault our child is like they are.  We must have done things wrong.  This time though, with the grand-babies….we will raise them right.

Sarah© 2012

hopeslifecoaching.com

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One thought on “Lesson #26 Addiction……..the parent

  1. this is just rambling right?……………I mean you don’t really believe this is your fault?………….I’m just stepping in here for the first time so it’s probably a stupid question but have to ask……………this must be from in the beginning when we all blame ourselves………….

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